i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
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Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
mentally somewhere in italy
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
For when Tinder doesn’t work
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.