If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
You Might Also Like
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I’m sorry…what?
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?