kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
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me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.