[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
You Might Also Like
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it