what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
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DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
what are they serving at kfc then???
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Natural selection at its finest
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.