As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.