snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
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Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
cat vs inanimate object
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Perfect
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no