When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
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Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
felt that
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.