Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
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•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*