A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
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I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless