It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
You Might Also Like
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds