[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
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don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Brands during Pride