I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
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My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600