ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
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I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Skills
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
The point of your 20s
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ