[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
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My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Attacked by a mop.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
man: wait
time: no
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Discuss
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw