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Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
One venti cheeseburger please.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂