She was rare, like a goth jogging
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A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’