*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
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“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
uncle dave has been through hell
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.