no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
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*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it