[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
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If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
This kid is a star!
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”