i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
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I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
accurate
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.