we did it you guys we saved daylight
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My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Generation gap…
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.