This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
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Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
That’s enough internet for the day
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”