I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
You Might Also Like
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.