The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
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Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me