The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
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Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven