Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
You Might Also Like
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!