[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
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It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.