People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
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Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
i now pronounce you bounced.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now