The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
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CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded