“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
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Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
The only equipped I am is ill.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T