I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
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My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Oh yeh? Explain this then
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]