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If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters