Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
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Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
WHY would you be happy about this?
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia