You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
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If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”