ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
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My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.