I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
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Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Meow?
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.