The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
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Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)