Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
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*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Software Development ⛵️
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.