if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
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Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Oh. My. God.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”