Happy thanksgiving!
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hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.