“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
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Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
True
Saw your ex at the shops
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.