I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
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The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
My love language is deader than Latin
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.