If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
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No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.