CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
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“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.