[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
You Might Also Like
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
my dad has had enough
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
decorating my apartment
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY