I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
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wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*