Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
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My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Raisins are grape jerky.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
My inexpensive home security system…
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
i- i did not expect this
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.