Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
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itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
(Jupiter –
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.