[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
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They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Speak now or ever hold your peace
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Noted.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God